中国 pt. 1 : the beginning

The last few weeks have been incredibly full. We were so blessed and allowed to touch and see some of what God's doing around the world. Sometimes He asks you to plant seeds, sometimes to till and sometimes He allows you to see Him grow something SO SPECTACULAR only He can have the glory. I'm going to try and tell a few stories but I'm going to have to be careful. If I'm vague please feel free to call/email me (or maybe let's just go to lunch/brunch/coffee!) & I can be more specific! I hope these posts will give you evidence that prayer is necessary, powerful & useful.

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Explaining is difficult. Reliving life can sometimes be hard when you're confined to words. I can only pray that through these carefully edited posts my heart will be communicated. God worked through so many cultural barriers, language barriers, jet lag & definite spiritual strongholds. He also worked through me. Since I'm being honest, I have to admit that I almost didn't go.

During my time at Clemson, I felt something stirring in my heart for China. I remember having a boyfriend who expressed a desire to go & that got me thinking. I had never been to China & I didn't know many people who had. I began to read books & meet many friends from there on my campus. Something in my heart was stirring. It's been about 4-5 years since & there have been many times that I have questioned my prayers, motivation and emotions.

Why did I really want to go so badly? Was it because of my relationship? Was it just a small idea that I made into a big one? Did I over-spiritualize everything? Was it really from the Lord or simply from me? What made me want to study the language so much and was it a waste of time?

I questioned my heart, a lot. Several friends from that time would ask, "When are you going to China?" And now, the opportunity was here. But I just wanted to say no. I questioned if I was supposed to go on this trip. It just seemed like a step backwards because I had become interested in other locations, in different directions. I began to let China go but something (or Someone!) refused to let me.

However, I have so much more peace when I turn from my doubts to His faithfulness. My heart is sinful and deceitful. Who knows what started this interest BUT PRAISE THE LORD that He is so capable to using our wrongful emotions or sinful ways. He uses the bad and produces good. Just like the story of the woman at the well. I am so often reminded of the words from the men she took to meet with Jesus. They said, "It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this is indeed the Savior of the world." (John 4:42). Who knows why they went? Maybe they felt embarrassed that this man knew "all that [she] did" (verse 39) or maybe they thought He was some kind of fortune teller. Regardless, God used it. God changed their hearts.

So... God began to deal with me here. Then my YiaYia started to become worse physically. Many of you know the situation so I won't go into details but there were a lot of questions. I even began to pray about moving home to help. Also, we had some issues here in Wake Forest. There was simply a lot going on. I prayed a simple prayer one night that God would really show Himself. I prayed He would confirm that I was supposed to go. So, in the midst of local stress, school, a job that in no way could pay for a worldwide adventure, family troubles... He showed up. I decided to go ahead and start moving and just trust that He would either close the door or make it possible. I printed off letters but all of those letters are still in my room under my bed. He poured in $2400 in one month, without me sending out a single letter. He also took care of YiaYia (please ask if you don't the story - it's incredible), He's provided peace for other concerns, the job I had (and still have) continuued to provide and He even gave me another job I'll start in a month where I'll be working in the school systems again! YAY SPECIAL EDUCATION! So... basically I was foolish to EVER doubt Him.

I'm reminded of a verse that frequently crossed my mind in China. It's my father's favorite, Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. My mind is full of doubt and questions. My heart is deceitful. But His mind is much higher and knowledgeable. His ways are where my trust belongs and He is the maker of our paths.

So... no more trusting in my human reason. China never made sense to me but I completely understood once He got us there. He got us past customs, past 10 hours on a Beijing floor, past language issues and cultural barriers. He moved us from NC and used us to put Himself into the hearts of people that I should never (by the world's standards) be able to connect with. But not only is He gracious, forgiving and incredibly patient. He's in control and He's sufficient.